Normal By Comparison
by Lord Voldios
Summary: Nuke-wielding psychos, floating brains, cursed casinos and religious hypocrites. The Mojave Wasteland is normal in comparison to the world outside. Fallout New Vegas Oneshots.
1. Dead Money

**Yeah so I was level 50 when I started the DLCs. Fun times.  
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**I do not own Fallout.**

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><p>The Courier woke up with a strange taste in his mouth. Without opening his eyes he noted that his face was pressed against stone and he was laying on his stomach. The lack of a hangover though, was what brought him fully back around.<p>

He opened his eyes and immediately closed them.

No. No. No. Not again.

He groaned piteously and fumbled for his Ranger Sequoia. Good Karma be damned to hell, he was going to shoot the next person he saw.

His eyes snapped open a second later.

Not only did he not have any of the heavy firepower he usually toted around the Mojave Wasteland, but someone had changed him out of his Power Armor and into some sort of dirty jumpsuit.

Oh someone was going to **die**.

Dragging himself to his feet the Courier couldn't help but notice the image of a glaring old man from atop the fountain before him.

And this must be Dr. Evil McKidnapperstien. God fucking dammit.

"Are you listening?" snarled a voice from the surrounding speakers. "Good. From now on, when I talk, listen - and follow my instructions."

The Courier rolled his eyes. Goddamn evil bastards and their goddamn theatrics.

"Play stupid, play clever, make the mistake of saying "no?" That collar on your neck'll go off and take your head with it."

The Courier looked down and brushed the bomb collar with his finger tips. It hummed with power, no doubt ready to go off at a moments notice.

"Alright old man, I'll bite." he said. "What do you want?"

"Do what I say, and the collar won't go off...refuse, try and run, disobey me? I'll kill you and find someone else."

The Couriers eye ticked. Fuck this.

Before the voice could draw breath to continue, he deactivated the collar and unclasped the device from his neck.

"Does this throw a bit of a wrench in your plans?" snarled the Courier hurling the bomb collar through the holographic image. "Because I am sick and fucking tired of being a fucking pawn."

The voice hissed in surprise. "How did you deactivate the collar so quickly? I specifically designed it to-"

"I can hack computers like it's nobody's business. I can repair an Anti-Materiel Rifle with a fucking 9mm pistol. And I can make a hell of a better bomb than whatever firecracker you had in that damn collar!"

"You still won't escape the Sierra Madre without my help." snarled the voice again. "It's in your best interest to do as I say."

The Courier smacked his forehead and half-groaned, half-shouted in frustration. "THAT'S what this is about? The legend of the Sierra Madre? For fucks sake how old are you?"

"The legend of the Sierra Madre's treasure is very real young man. And I strongly recommend that you-"

"Fuck you."

There was a long pause.

"Excuse me?" asked the voice in a scandalized tone.

"Fuck. You." repeated the Courier enunciating each word.

"Do you know how many times I've been used as a pawn by some evil fucker with no social skills?" He paused. "TOO FUCKING MUCH!"

"I mean it's like, if you're so damn smart can't you at least devise some way to get what you want without ruining _my_ fucking day?"

The old man sounded a bit more timid. "The locals are a bit hard to-"

"Oh let me guess." The voice began to interrupt. "NO, let me _fucking_ guess. They're super mutants. No, super mutants on fire. No, super mutants on fire with massive erections."

The voice let out a horrified gasp.

"Because even if this place actually is a flaming super mutant sausage fest, it would take all that and more to keep me from _fucking you up_!"

"But I-"

"Let me tell you something Dr. Fuckface or whatever you call yourself," The Couriers voice was deadly calm. "You picked the wrong victim today. I'm going to find you. And when I do?"

"You. Will. _Suffer_."

"You'll never get into the Sierra Madre Casino without help."

"As I'm sure you've already arranged for me." He briefly sifted through the data on his pip boy. "I'm also fairly certain that you've somehow marked their locations on my pip boy. Oh look, I was right."

The voice sputtered.

"If I'm not mistaken you've been equally as hospitable to them as you have been to me. I'm sure they'd just _love_ to help me fuck your shit up once I get those bomb collars off their necks."

"Not if they're dead they wont!"

There was a pause.

"Um..."

The Courier gave the holographic face a flat look.

"You linked the bomb collars didn't you?"

"Uh..."

"Great! Fucking fantastic! I've been kidnapped by an amateur! You know what? You absolutely deserve every bit of punishment I am about to rain down upon you."

The voice coughed nervously. "Look uh...maybe we got off to a bad start..."

"You know what old man? No. We are way past the point of bad first impressions."

The Courier picked up the strange rifle sitting on the lip of the fountain and cocked it.

"At first I was going to just dust myself off and walk away. Just another failed attempt to coerce me into doing something _utterly fucking retarded_ because you don't have the balls to do it yourself. But now?"

"Now, I'm going to go make friends with people who hate you, loot the shit out of the surrounding area, break into the Sierra Madre and kick your fucking ass. Because I'm one of the good guys. And you are an asshole."

"And while I'm stepping over your broken body, leaving with whatever riches or technology you spent your life pursuing, just know that in the end **you brought this upon yourself.**"

The Courier fired at the projector, catching a glimpse of the fear in the old mans face before the image shorted out.

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><p>Deep in the heart of the Sierra Madre Casino, Father Elijah sat back in his chair and stared at the blank screen. His hands were trembling.<p>

"My God," he whispered. _"What have I done?"_

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><p><strong>This is a oneshot, no continuations. Writing comedy isn't really my one of my strengths, but I'll try to make the others funny.<br>**


	2. The Sharp End of Atrocity

**_I don't own Fallout. _**

_The following is an audio log transcription of the interrogation used in the Court Martial of Lieutenant Carrie Boyd of the NCR military for hiring the mercenary known as "The Courier" to extract information from a captured Legion Centurion. The Courier was intentionally used to break provisions set up by the NCR military to protect enemy prisoners of war. _

_**WARNING: **__The following material may be disturbing to some audiences. _

_[Sound: Door ratchets open and footsteps approach.]_

**Lt. Boyd: **Long time no see Silus.

_[Sound: Door ratchets close.]_

**Silus:** Lieutenant...I was just thinking about you.

**Lt. Boyd: **That so?

**Silus:** I was. I was just thinking about that pretty neck of yours.

**Lt: Boyd:** How sweet.

**Silus: **I was thinking about how it would look with a Legion slave collar on it.

**Lt. Boyd:** I think I'll pass.

**Silus:** Do you know what I love about our slave collars Lieutenant?

**Lt. Boyd:** If you love them maybe you should try one on.

**Silus:** I love how tightly they fit. I trained my men to make sure the slaves' flesh bulges a bit around the top and bottom...know why?

**Lt. Boyd:** It's all the rage in fashion circles?

**Silus**: Not quite. If you fit it just right their body never gets used to the feeling of wearing it. It cuts in just enough when they swallow or turn their head to remind them who they belong to. And it's that constant reminder that keeps them docile.

**Lt. Boyd:** In that case maybe you'd better save the collar you were going to give me.

**Silus: **Oh? For who?

**Lt. Boyd: **For a...friend of mine you're going to meet. My friend isn't very docile.

**Silus:** And who is this _friend_ of yours?

**Lt. Boyd: **You know all the rules the NCR instituted to protect enemy prisoners of war?

**Silus:** Of course.

**Lt. Boyd: **My friend doesn't. _[Louder]_ Come on in.

_[Sound: Door ratchets open and footsteps approach with a clinking of glass on glass. Thud of a bag hitting the ground.]_

**Lt. Boyd:** I'll be back in a bit to see how you're getting along. I'll need you to surrender your weapons though. You can collect them on the way out.

**Courier: **Of course. I'll need a hand with the other jars though. I'll watch the guy for you. Just put them wherever when you bring them in.

**Lt. Boyd: **If you say so _[Pause, shuffling feet]_ but I gotta ask...are those real-

**Courier:** Now, now Lieutenant...we had an arrangement. I get your information, and you don't ask any questions. Bring me the other jars, will you?

_[Sound: A sigh. Footsteps recede and return, more clinking glass.]_

**Lt. Boyd: **That was all of them. Got you a chair too. Need anything else?

**Courier: **No I'll be fine, thanks lieutenant. We'll be expecting you in a bit.

**Silus: **_[mutters]_ ...Worm.

**Lt. Boyd: **Oh and Silus? If you resist at all, I'll personally blow your brains out.

_[Sound: Footsteps recede and door ratchets close. Slight scraping as chair is dragged and placed.]_

**Silus: **Do you think your theatrics scare me profligate?

**Courier: **Of course not. I would accuse you of being an imposter if this was all it took to shake you, a Centurion of Caesar's Legion. After all, aren't spoils of war celebrated where you come from?

**Silus:** Naturally.

**Courier: **There you go then. The Legion takes slaves. _[Glass clinks]_ I take these.

**Silus: **Take them from who?

**Courier: **_[Chuckle]_ The Legion.

**Silus: **_[Snorts]_ You must have some reason to be in your line of work. Tell me, what did The Legion do to you? Did we enslave your children? Slaughter you family before your eyes to teach you a lesson? _[Pause]_ Whatever it was, I hope I was there to give the order.

**Courier:** Silus, I think you have the wrong idea about me. The NCR may have asked me to question you but make no mistake; I _love_ The Legion.

**Silus: **_[Pause]_ Excuse me?

_[Sound: Scrape of a chair, footsteps.]_

**Courier:** It's hard, you know? I go around helping all these people, trying to make life around here better but there's so much... _[Sigh]_ It's stressful, feeling like I'm the only one trying to make this place **good**. But that's why I love the Legion see?

**Silus:** Because Caesar is trying to bring order to this blighted place?

**Courier: **What? No! God, no. No, I love the Legion because you let me do this.

_[Sound: Zipper unzipping, wet smack]_

**Silus:** _[growling]_...You profligate bastard...

**Courier:** It's so stressful, dealing with everyone's problems. Being the better person, the bigger person, when all I **really** want to do is skin someone alive to make my point. But I can't. My boss needs me to get things done, and having people run in terror when they see me isn't exactly productive. So I play it nice. Hero. Protector. Messiah. _[Chuckle]_ But the Legion...now there's someplace I can be myself.

**Silus: **Is that-

**Courier: **Aurelius of Phoenix, yes. Bagged him at Cottonwood Cove on my second trip to The Fort. He was surprisingly weak for a Legion Officer. I thought you guys were supposed to be stronger than the average Deathclaw. Do you mind if I sit? I'll just get this out of your way.

_[Sound: Scraping of a chair.] _

**Silus: **Second trip?

**Courier: **Huh? Oh yeah. On the first trip, Caesar had something of mine, wanted to meet with me about something. _[Fleshy sucking noise]_ Mind if I add these to the collection? _[Fleshy sucking noise continues]_ There is something about Legion eyes that...I don't know, does it for me you know? _[Glass clinks, sound of something dropped into fluid]_ Such a strong gaze, even after being removed.

Silus: ...You're sick. All you tribal profligates are sick.

Courier: _[Chuckles]_ You wouldn't be saying that if I was on your side. Hell I'd probably be an officer by now.

_[Sound: Door ratchets open, footsteps approach]_

**Lt. Boyd:** Is something the matter Silus? You look upset. _[Quick inhalation followed by a nervous chuckle]_ Huh, well that's...wow. I'm glad you're on our side.

**Silus:** Your friend is a miserable fucking degenerate. Get him away from me. **Now!**

**Lt Boyd: **Could you step outside for a bit? I'll be with you in a second.

**Courier: **Sure. I needed to get rid of this thing anyway.

_[Sound: Chair scraping, footsteps begin to walk away then pause] _

**Courier:** Anything you want to say to Silus, before you go Aurelius? _[high-pitched voice, comically]_ Ah-way!

_[Sound: Loud laughter as the door ratchets closed]_

**Silus: **If we were on the other side of the river I would have him torn apart by dogs.

**Lt. Boyd: **That's a long walk Silus, I don't think it's going to happen. You'd better just talk.

**Silus:** So is this what the NCR does now? Hire mercenary psychopaths to get things done?

**Lt. Boyd: **Whats the matter Silus? Not used to the sharp end of atrocity?

**Silus:** Fuck you, you degenerate profligate whore. I didn't think you'd sink this low.

**Lt. Boyd:** If you don't like dealing with me I can always bring my friend back in.

**Silus: **_[pause]_ Your tactics are a joke.

**Lt. Boyd: **Have it your way. _[Louder]_ Come on back in. I think he misses you.

_[Sound: Door ratchets open and footsteps approach]_

**Courier: **I couldn't find a place to chuck the head so I left it on the desk for now. I'll get rid of it later. Maybe chuck it to the Fiends for a laugh, I dunno.

**Lt. Boyd: **I thought I told you no weapons allowed in this room.

**Courier:** Oh come on, it's a pool cue. _[Wooden thunk]_ Don't worry, I swear I wont hit him with it. And I can handle myself if he gets his hands on it.

**Lt. Boyd: **_[Sigh]_ I'm going on a limb with you here. Don't disappoint me.

**Courier:** Relax. You'll get what you want.

_[Sound: Footsteps recede. Door ratchets closed.]_

**Courier: **Where were we?

**Silus: **We don't have anything to discuss, savage.

**Courier: **Oh, but I have one more thing to show you. A secret that not even the NCR knows about. Or maybe they do and decided not to tell you. Just give me one second.

**Silus: **What are-

_[Sound: Zipper unzipping, wooden snap, followed by a wet splattering]_

**Courier: **Whats the line again? Ah-way, true to Caesar?

**Silus: **Oh..._shit_...

**Courier: **I know, the irony of this isn't lost on me either. The mighty Caesar's head stuck on a pole in an NCR base. What a reversal of fate eh? I even left the eyes intact, because I wanted him to see what I'm going to do to you next.

**Silus: **Caesar...but...The Fort...it can't be...

**Courier: **You _did_ ask about my second trip to The Fort, didn't you? Yeah, it didn't turn out so good for ole' Caesar here as you can see. But enough about him. I'm done with him...I'm here for you.

_[Sound: Chair scraping. Slow footsteps.] _

**Silus: **Don't...don't come any closer. I'm-

**Courier: **This is how it's going to go down Silus. You can talk or not, I really don't care, but I'm going to give you the most savage beating you've ever experienced in your life. Then I'm going to rip out one of your eyes to add to my collection. And after the NCR tosses you out, I'll hunt you down for the other one.

**Silus: **Y-you don't have to do this...I'll talk. I'll talk!_[Panicked]_ Boyd! I'll talk! You don't need to do this!

**Courier:** I know I don't need to. But I really, _really_ want to.

**Silus: **_[Shrieking]_ Get back!

_[Sound: Scraping of a chair followed by repeated smacking sounds and grunts. A thud, a scrape and a metallic ringing followed by a groan.]_

**Courier:** Nice punch kiddo, even made me use the chair. Oh and I almost forgot...

_[Sound: A thud and a wet sucking sound followed by a high-pitched scream. Screaming continues for several seconds until it is cut off by another series of wet thuds.]_

**Silus:** _[Slurring, moaning]_ 'Omeone...helb beee,,,

**Courier: **_[Panting]_ Don't crawl away Silus...I thought you were stronger than that.

_[Sound: Door ratchets open and several footsteps rapidly enter.]_

**Lt. Boyd: **Get off of him! Now! Oh Jesus! Someone get a medic in here!


End file.
